Illustration by Kyle'aundreh D.
It’s the last week of October, which means we’re almost into all-candy, all-the-time-status, so we found much to inspire us in Rex Huppke’s column in the Chicago Tribune in which he proclaimed candy corn as the worst of all time.
Even better, he wrote the column from the first-person point of view of the candy corn.
So we figured, why not run with that idea?
“I am a starburst. We are the best candy ever. We are fruity and chewy, and every other candy can lick my toes. (Which are quite delicious).
I would be offended to discover another that others thought were tastier. We are tastier than snickers and better than Hersheys. We are popular worldwide and nowhere do they hate us.
I don’t understand why some others strive to defeat when they know we are quite impossible to beat. We have all the best qualities of other candies and none of the bad parts. We are as chewy as a hi-chew and more flavorful too. They might as well be a knockoff, they’re so bad.
I hope that you all understand that you are dreary and boring compared to my excellence. You have no chance to be better, so you better not try. I am the G.O.A.T. of candy. See ya, loser candy.”
– Gunnar C.
“Hi my name is Dot.
And I am seriously just not great.
I’m always stale and my packaging isn’t appealing at all. It’s so basic. It’s like ‘wow! how original Dots inside dots!’. You can only consume me if you’re like an infant. With sticky fingers. No exceptions. I should be hated as much as candy corn during spooky season. I SHOULD BE THE DEBATE!
Try me. I have such a chemical aftertaste and I’m SO difficult to chew. Like, could I not choose if I wanted to be a gummy or hard candy? I have that gross stick-to-your-teeth type of feel. How am I even considered candy? My colors always look faded, I never look fresh and edible, and my taste is unbearable.
Just stop eating Dots. Period.”
“Hi there Candy Corn, I’m Dots! I think you’re better than you think, at least people like you… Humans say I’m inedible, chalky, and hard, they’re right. I’m a gross cheap candy, and I’m not even that sweet! I taste like old cough drops dropped into kids chalk that was laying on the ground. At least people try to build up your confidence saying you taste good, when no one likes me…
I get stale so fast. I’m only one color when you’re multiple! And sometimes you take the shape of a pumpkin, when I stay as a stupid lump. I think you could help me in the uprising gross candies to get back at the humans HAHAHAHAHA! *cough* ugh… Join me Candy Corn, Join me… Candy Necklaces joined me so you can too! MWAHAHAHAHAH!”
“Candy corn this is gummy bears and I think you are 100% wrong…. I am absolutely the worst candy ever. I am just so sticky and chewy! All I do is get stuck in people teeth and it is absolutely disgusting. I barely have any flavor and I am just way to sweet…no wonder dentists hate me. I think you are way better than me you aren’t to sweet or way to chewy, you are just perfect and you have amazing colors, but me I have such boring plane colors I wish I had an ombre of colors just like you. So candy corn I just wanted to let you know that I disagree with you I think I am the worst candy ever. <3”
“Candy corn, the worst candy ever”
“If you think that candy corn sucks, then try me. Laffy Taffy. The whole reason you want a candy is to put something sweet in your mouth and have a taste of it. Hah, bet you can’t have a bite of me unless you want some wrapper in your mouth.
The fact that I still exist to this day and have not gone extinct yet is already a miracle. Many people have made complaints about me. I make sure my wrappers are so sticky that the first time you “try” to eat me, it will be your last. Guaranteed.
Candy corn claims to be the worst candy ever, but are you sure about that? You are popular during Halloween but what about me? Even the dentists say we are bad. We are not even made from natural flavors, so why bother? I taste like a mix of sticky slime with pieces of trash paper all together. I might look like a firework of flavors but trust me I’m not.”
“I’m Snickers and I’m the worst candy ever. I’m like Hurricane Katrina. THATS HOW BAD I AM! Most people are allergic to me or think my insides are gross. Just why did I have to be made with peanuts. I promise you’re not the worse candy Candy Corn. At least you won’t kill someone just by being around. Do you know how lonely that is. You can’t convince me other wise. I’m as bad as soggy carrots. I can put someone in the hospital with just one bit One time someone was eating me and they died…THEY HAD A PEANUT ALLERGIE! So as you can see I am the worst candy ever. ”
“Candy corn is such a disgusting candy, no wonder why nobody likes him. I’m Laffy Taffy, everyone enjoys me!
During Halloween everyone gets excited to see me, when they see Candy Corn, they usually just throw him away (he deserves it.) just because He’s been around since 1880 doesn’t mean he’s better than me, if that was the case you should realize how he resembles pasty vampire skin and off colorization. I should be praised because of how new I am.
Candy corn is as boring as a board, and just overrated as Gucci. Just like his cousin the candy pumpkin. I have multiple flavors, cherry, watermelon, green apple, strawberry, grape, and blue raspberry.
3 of 5 people enjoys Laffy taffy V.S candy corn. You can admit it, I am the superior. Yes, Hershey may be better than me. Put when it comes to candy corn, I’m on the top. Candy corn got caught up with some pretty scandalous stuff awhile back, he’s all sugar! He has 22 grams of sugar! Talk about diabetes in a bag. I hope you can now realize how corny candy corn really is. ”
“Hello, I am hot tamales, and therefore I am the worsted candy EVER! One I have cinnamon in me, cinnamon is the worsted. Two I am just gross like ew. Why do people like me? Like why? Dude come on I suck bro. What are people thinking then they say they like me. I am the worst ever, no one competes with me. my taste makes your stomach twisted and turn. There is nothing worse than me, and if I say it then it is true. There are a lot of candies people don’t like but I am at the top of that list 100%. I don’t understand why people eat me. Why would you do that to yourself? You are hurting your body my eating me. I am as bad as a skunk when its scared. Why am I still in stock anymore like who eats me really? I am taw worst candy no one is as bad as me. I can make people sick. I am the worst candy EVER! “
“Hello, my name is Black Licorice. I am worse than Candy Corn. I am the worst candy of all, every person that tries me always spits me out. No one ever buys me. My taste is just so bad. I taste if a dog pooped on me and got rubbed on against dirt. I taste as if some stepped on me. I taste like old nasty frosting on a cake. Now let’s say some facts about me, I contain well, some Black Licorice contains Glycyrrhizin, which is the sweetener derived from licorice root. That can create imbalances in electrolytes and low potassium levels. To be honest I do not even know what half of that means.”
“Dear Candy Corn,
I’m writing this from the deepest depths of hell. I’ve recently been informed about your message to humans as the worst candy in the world. As Black Licorice we’re quite literally worse than worse. We’re so bad that it’s HARMFUL to eat us, look it up.
We’re a better alternative to eating straight up drinking rat poison, I’d go as far as to say we’re just like rat poison, and “We taste like feet”? With that kind of logic, us black licorice would taste like 100 spiders in your mouth.
Is candy corn banned? No. Are we banned? Yes. Can you get a heart attack from candy corn? I don’t think so, but black lice on the other hand, yes. Some human ate us every day and died of a heart attack in a McDonalds. I don’t see people dropping dead in a fast-food restaurant from eating candy corn, do I? I rest my case.
Sincerely, the worst candy in the world, Black Licorice. ”
“I’m Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
Some may think I’m better than candy corn but I’m not actually, I’m worse. Candy corn may be bland, but most people are allergic to me. Peanut Butter is so bitter. Why have I been created? I don’t know. My existence is a menace to society.
Chocolate and Peanut Butter don’t go well, especially since peanut butter sucks. Peanut butter is like food poisoning (for people who are allergic LOL!) Not to mention the disgusting texture of the Peanut Butter filled cup. It’s like eating poop and sand mix as a dessert. Candy corn may not be everyone’s favorite, but at least the texture and taste aren’t as horrifying as mine. I’m also SO hard to bite when I’m cold. Bite into me then boom, there goes all your teeth. (Why might people eat me cold? Because people are weird and like cold peanut butter.) Candy corn may be hard when cold but it’s so much smaller than me. Therefore, it’s easier to bite into, and you won’t break your teeth.”
“Hey candy corn it’s me, licorice you think YOU’RE the worst candy? I am a mix of sweet and bitter and all flavors of me are disgusting. I seriously don’t know how people like me, you might as well like getting food poisoning! I mean seriously I smell like NyQuil and have the weirdest sugary sour taste. Not to mention I literally killed from eating too much of me! Black licorice contains glycyrrhizic acid and consuming too much of it can give you heart problems, so not only do I taste bad I can also KILL PEOPLE! I am the worst candy ever. “
“Jolly ranchers are great, but does it have the harm?
the company put the right amount of sugar in each piece, and it’s a hard candy! so the worth are worth. but sometimes, you could get cut by the pieces of it or just by eating too much! Could probably give you sickness like any other candy. If I can be jolly rancher, I’ll try to get in people mouth to be crushed, to see how melting feel like”
“Candy Corn, you’re wrong. I AM THE WORST, GUMMY BEARS! All I am is some sweet sugar covered gooey slime. You are wrong about being the worst, for I am just a fake bear, FAKE. We are simply, Demons. I must admit, when you eat us, it is equivalent to us stealing some of your life to live a normal reincarnated one. We stoop low, Candy Corn, at least you don’t steal things. So, never eat us, stop making us. You are simply killing yourself by doing such things.
Ah and remember, we are slime, we are stretchy and disgusting. The only time you should eat us is in medicine, as they take our life force away from us when they make it. Gummy bears have barriers of sugar, so, if you like us so much get rid of that first. Or you will eventually perish. I am a medical bear with life force so I am nice, but you need to get rid of this illusion they put you in. ”
– Charlyn G.